Mom's Summer Blues

In yesterday's post, I bemoaned the inevitable ending of summer vacation by listing a number of goals that I procrastinated.

One of the passing thoughts I have every year is about my kids. Did I do enough with them? Will they have had a memorable summer?

This summer, I had a kid work as a lifeguard/swimming instructor at our local pool and go on a missions trip to Guatemala. One of my kids took a CNC/welding/machining class. The youngest had two weeks of swimming lessons. We all took a trip to the Oregon Coast and had my niece as a guest for two weeks.

Yet, I'm still left wondering if it's enough. What about the annual trip to Silverwood we used to take. It's so expensive--just to get there--but we have two tickets for free entry. Yet when I look at the calendar, I know those tickets are only good for weekdays during the summer. We'd have to wait until September to go as a family, and like I said, it's not cheap. When I look at the number of weekend we have left--those weekends free of obligation, I wonder if I'm just putting too much on my plate.

What about those free things I could have done? Those days at the lake I never went? The bike rides unpedaled? The starry nights unexplored? Am I just a horrible mom for being lazy or fed up with the people around me?

So I'm left with a slightly guilty feeling over childhood days wasted in front of the television set or days jam-packed with chores like cleaning the bedrooms out and the shed.

But what is considered too over the top? Kids shouldn't learn that the world revolves around them; it's unhealthy. They could grow up into people who don't like waiting their turn, who text during movies and in the car, and who expect the world to entertain them.

And what kind of example do I set when I cater to everyone's needs but my own? Is this healthy? Shouldn't my marriage have a higher priority to my kids' wants? After all, they're supposed to move out someday.

Planning a family vacation is no small feat. A lot of time, energy and money go into it. Yet, with all of the joys of those moments, I had a kid who really would've rather have been home.

So maybe the quality of my kids summer is not up to me. If, after all that work, I can still have a less-than-satisfied kid, where's the problem? With me? With my plans? Or maybe happiness is a perception.

Perhaps we, as a society, should spend less time showing the next generation a good time and more time teaching kids how to find their happiness from within.

More about legacy.

The people of Israel in Judges 2 had been given an anonymous gift. They had been delivered from Egyptian slavery and brought into a land where essentially “they came, they saw, and they conquered.”

However, these stories hadn’t been explained to them. Their parents, who witnessed all these things, died without passing on the who or the why of the event.

As a result, enemies living in the country oppressed the Israelites. An angel of the Lord came and told them that people living in their country would always oppress them. God would use these oppressors to test what was in the Israelites hearts.

Even today, the Israelites have neighbors on all sides and in their midst that hate them. God is still using these people today to test what is in their hearts.

Now I’m not saying that every difficult circumstance is God’s testing to show what is in your heart, but you may find (while reading Judges) that every time the Israelites cried out to God for deliverance, He answered.

I think the most important lesson we can glean from this is the importance of passing on the message of God’s love, mercy and deliverance. Grateful kids are kids who will continue the legacy of obedience to God and living in His blessings and grace.

“Leaving a Legacy”—Noel Campbell visits Cheney Faith Center on May 31, 2010.

When Noel Campbell’s oldest child was 12 and youngest was three-and-a-half, his wife was called home to be with the Lord.

The first time Campbell left his house after this event, he stopped at the end of his driveway and looked back to two pairs of eyes peeping out of the window.

In Noel’s mind, they were wondering if he would leave them too, as their mother had. Heartbroken, Campbell heard the “still, quiet voice of the Lord” saying “If you let me, we will raise these children.” Campbell, now 82, says it was his joy.

Sonia Coombs and Noel Campbell

“If we follow Jesus, we’ll be leaving a legacy our children will want to follow,” he said.

Luke 18:15-17 says, “People were also bringing babies to Jesus to have him touch them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. 16But Jesus called the children to him and said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 17I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.’”

Campbell says that we are either leading children to Him or sending them away.

He said we must have a legacy of
• A love of God that’s unconditional
• A faith in who Jesus is
• A trust in our Lord Jesus and his words in our every day walk of life
• A hope in our Lord God because a home in the world will never bring life.

The key, according to Campbell, is to allow the Lord to fill him with more love and less law. When this happens, children want to please their father.

Campbell quoted "Children Learn What They Live" by Dorothy Law Knolte, PhD:

“If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.”
Then he added his own ending: “If a child lives with Christ, he learns to love God and man.”

Campbell quoted Proverbs 22:6, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”

He said there were many ways to lead a child to Jesus and they all seem right in our own understanding, but God’s way works. Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.”

He wrapped up his message by sharing three proverbs. One was about someone who had taught a child about God by scaring him with the awesome works of God and the child’s reaction of fear and resistance when it was time to meet the Father. The second proverb was about someone so distracted by everything that must be done that when it was finally time to meet the Father, the child was distracted and unable to focus. The last proverb was about someone who followed the child’s lead and interests and not only told stories about the Father, but also listened to the child retell them as well. When it was finally time to meet the Father, the child was overjoyed, and the individual who lead the child stepped back and merely watched as a happy outsider to their relationship.

He recited Psalm 139: 23-24: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” In addition, Noel challenged the congregation to wake every morning and greet God with a “What would you like me to do today?” and listen for an answer from the still, small voice.

Why should I lead my child to Christ?

We all have different backgrounds. Some of us grew up in church. Perhaps we went through the motions or were burned by something someone said or a life experience. For some, this pain reaches so deeply, they question God.

As parents, we have to set all this aside. We need to look at our children and understand what sort of legacy we leave them. We may be able to shelter them from hurt in church situations by avoidance, but we can’t shelter them from hurt in the rest of the world. Between school, work, playmates and even our own homes, they will encounter hurts and either learn to grow through them or stagnate and fester.

We want to do everything for our kids. We want them to live in a happy home with the best education and good friends. These desires are universal for good-willed people.

But in the world the way it is, we can’t lay aside enough money, property, security or prosperity for them. Ultimately, all these things prove themselves empty. It’s not bad to earn good money and support your family, but if you look to your bank account for the satisfaction and rest your heart needs, you’ll find it wanting every time. Your kids will experience this too, unless we show them a better way.

Kids need a filter to look at their lives and deaths through. Jesus is that filter that will give persepctive. For those of you who think it a fairy tale, sorry. Better be sure for your kids’ sake. Even with eternal life aside, Christianity and church is the best place to give them the love and support for life. Heartbreaks will come.

And for those of you who had difficulties with the institution of church, you’re grown up now. You have no excuse. Get in there, roll up your sleeves and make things right in the church. When there’s a problem in the family with someone who is dysfunctional, healthy families and healthy family members get to work instead of running away. Trust me on that one.

The best churches today have dynamic youth programs with fun activities and contemporary music. The leadership varies from young to old. Try a few out and keep an open mind, but quit looking for excuses because your kids need more.

Children of imprisioned sexual offenders face difficulties moving foward.

Sixteen-year-old “John” would like to move forward from a traumatizing period of his life.

Before he was born, his parents divorced. Before he was two, his mother remarried a man named “Smith.” As a young child, he had sporadic visits with his father, “Harry.” These visits included two younger siblings from another marriage for a “Disneyland-dad” type weekends.

As a member of the large Smith family, John's mother enrolled him in kindergarten with his stepfather’s last name. Much to Harry’s ire, this name followed John up through elementary school, finally accompanying his face on his ASB card.

When John was 12, Harry was arrested. During the previous six-month span, Harry had raped his 8-year-old daughter during visits with his three children. She had been too terrified to tell anyone. Her mother, the custodial parent, learned the terrible news during a visit to the emergency room, a visit they made when she realized that something was physically wrong with her daughter.

Harry eventually pled guilty. During the trial, John wrote the judge a letter, forgiving his father but asking the judge to keep his sister safe while she grew up. The judge sentenced Harry to two concurrent terms of 13 years.

Now that John is 16, Harry is thousands of dollars behind on child support. The only contact John wants with his imprisoned father is permission for John’s stepfather to adopt him. If John’s mother were to die unexpectedly, no one would contest that the best place for him was in the home where he grew up.

If Harry were to agree to John’s adoption, according to Seattle family attorney Albert Lirhus, it would cost the family around $1,000 in lawyers fees; $250 for the court clerk’s fee; $50 per copy of the adoption because after the adoption, the files are sealed; $35 for a new birth certificate; and $400 to $700 for a post-placement report, which a social worker submits to the court to inform them of the step-parent’s ability to perform the role as guardian. Total, John’s family would have to pay around $2000, but this is only if Harry were to agree to the proceedings.
With or without that sort of price tag, none of the Smiths are eager to contact Harry. Even if Harry agreed, writing him could be seen as an invitation to further correspondence.

Washington state law protects children, but it also creates a hardship for them. A nuclear family is not always the natural family.

Judges should have the option to strip sexual offenders of their parental rights when they victimize any of their children.

As it is, John is closely associated with the Smiths. At his high school, he’s “another one of those Smith kids.” The family doesn’t consider him “half” anything and many of their friends don’t know.

But sometimes, John feels like an outsider. The nagging voice he hears in the back of his mind tells him that he’s not one of them. John’s step-dad knows this and strives to be loving and fair. They argue and make up like any other father and son.
As for the hardships around adoption, Mr. Smith has a different attitude. “All the extra precautions in the world are worth it if you can save one kid from abuse,” he says. But, as the sole provider for the family, he acknowledges that it’s expensive and time-consuming.

When John decides to get his driver’s license, the card will read “Smith.” Since his ASB card doesn’t spell out “Wackoewiack,” the name on his social security card or birth certificate, a name he boasts he can’t spell properly, applying for college aid will be tricky.

John’s mother says that he’ll probably change his name during his senior year when he turns 18 in a year and a half. He’ll be old enough to do it without special permissions, and it will cost far less than an adoption. At that time, the Smiths may look into adult adoption proceedings.